A few years ago when I was on my book tour for Tortellini in Midnight in the spring of 2019 I got one of those comments that’s meant to be a compliment but that is really the opposite: “You’ve lost so much weight,“ said the acquaintance who I hadn’t seen in a while, followed quickly by, “You look so much better!” I think I just smiled a terribly fake smile (which I am so bad at) and walked away without being able to think of anything clever to say but I’ve thought about that back handed “compliment” for so long. I look better.
That took me all over the place. Usually chubby (more or less) by nature, I have had in the past several episodes of depression with the effect I was not really eating and thus losing weight - and therefore getting a lot of these compliments. Which did not help with depression. At some point in time, a colleague stopped me in my tracks when he - gently - asked if I was putting on a disappearing act: from then on, I sort of associated those body compliments with the idea that people liked me better if I just disappeared. Which is not a healthy place to be, mentally (and eventually, physically).
I went to see a nutritionist just before lock down because I could only eat twice a day - not at all in the evening - and I ended up eating 5 times a day. She said I should feed the body in order to feed the soul correctly. Because deprivation and exhaustion are indeed doing anyone any favour.
It's like a terrible vicious circle, I'm so sorry this is what you've been going through. Wise words by your nutritionist -- feed the body in order to feed the soul. Big hugs.
I have just read this week's newsletter from writer Hanif Kureishi and, while his general theme for today was improvisation, somehow this part made me think about your article:
"Freud was always a moralist. Trying too hard to be obedient or good, we become masochistic, because morality in its purest, Kantian form is pathological and asks too much of us. Winnicott, in Playing and Reality (1971), discusses the idea of the child being asked to give up their spontaneity in favour of compliance, and what the price of such obedience is."
I think this resonated because society's compliance to fake body images and therefore to a 'pure" regimen (Ha!) is greatly masochistic. As well as a research on control over the incontrollable. Kinky at best and infinitely deleterious.
Ooooft these seemingly flippant comments can leave such a mark. Thank you for speaking about this and encouraging us all to think how we can do better with our language.
And thank you for sharing my piece on appetite too xx
Brilliantly written Emiko. Whenever I’ve had comments like that made to me, I’ve been quite sick or on medication that had terrible side effects, and never knew what to say apart from ‘yeah I’ve been sick’. In retrospect I hope that response might have in a small way made the other person question whether they should have asked that question or made that statement. It always felt like I was being congratulated for being unwell, which felt incredibly dismissive of my reality. I think those comments in the end say more about the person who says them than who they say them too, but normalising not commenting on peoples bodies should really be the norm. I hope our society gets there one day.
That is so true that it says more about the commentor! And I too believe that saying straight up "i've been sick" should hopefully give some perspective to those people saying those things too (or also the people hearing it, especially little people who pick things up so quickly!)
I love this discussion. I personally never know what to say to one of the most common comments that both Sophie and I get on social media: a version of 'how do you eat like that and stay so slim?' It's usually followed by something along the lines of 'I would blow up like a house'. The comments always feel so intrusive and at the same time passive agressively criticising how we eat. The same people never notice the joy we have in eating, or the cultural aspects of sharing a meal. They seem fixated on my body, which if frankly none of their business. I find it very difficult to respond in a constructive way
Ugh this comment! I could have written about this too (though now I get this a lot less haha). Yes, it's all these same problems, implying that if we happen to enjoy and eat without restricting ourselves, we will therefore "blow up" -- it is deeply rooted in diet culture. They don't consider that everyone has different DNA, bodies, metabolism, appetite, desire, let alone just that aspect you mention -- joy! I don't think they let themselves enjoy life, or are maybe afraid to see what might happen if they do. I have noticed recently a couple of guests making comments about the amount of food we offer - "I really shouldn't", "I'll need to detox after this", I can't, the carbs, the sweet Italian breakfasts, etc. Not that anyone is forced to eat but, well, this IS a food and wine workshop that you signed up for, it is a celebration of food and culture via food, we and everyone I take you to will be generous and you can eat however you feel you want to, but honestly this isn't the place to be worried about eating bread or pasta! I find myself having to coach people through the meals, saying, it's ok, you can leave it, no one is going to force you to clear your plate or judge you if you do! It's odd, I haven't had this before this year, do you come across it on your workshops?
It's funny, though. You are smiling and look beautiful and happy in both photos. I guess we are good at hiding what we don't want seen. For me, I eat more when I'm unhappy, so thinner is better in my life. And I have had that "Alice in Wonderland" syndrome as well. When I was a child I had repeated bouts of strep throat, and the high fevers often brought on that disorienting feeling. A tonsillectomy and antibiotics put an end to that. Interesting to know that it has a name.
That took me all over the place. Usually chubby (more or less) by nature, I have had in the past several episodes of depression with the effect I was not really eating and thus losing weight - and therefore getting a lot of these compliments. Which did not help with depression. At some point in time, a colleague stopped me in my tracks when he - gently - asked if I was putting on a disappearing act: from then on, I sort of associated those body compliments with the idea that people liked me better if I just disappeared. Which is not a healthy place to be, mentally (and eventually, physically).
I went to see a nutritionist just before lock down because I could only eat twice a day - not at all in the evening - and I ended up eating 5 times a day. She said I should feed the body in order to feed the soul correctly. Because deprivation and exhaustion are indeed doing anyone any favour.
It's like a terrible vicious circle, I'm so sorry this is what you've been going through. Wise words by your nutritionist -- feed the body in order to feed the soul. Big hugs.
I have just read this week's newsletter from writer Hanif Kureishi and, while his general theme for today was improvisation, somehow this part made me think about your article:
"Freud was always a moralist. Trying too hard to be obedient or good, we become masochistic, because morality in its purest, Kantian form is pathological and asks too much of us. Winnicott, in Playing and Reality (1971), discusses the idea of the child being asked to give up their spontaneity in favour of compliance, and what the price of such obedience is."
I think this resonated because society's compliance to fake body images and therefore to a 'pure" regimen (Ha!) is greatly masochistic. As well as a research on control over the incontrollable. Kinky at best and infinitely deleterious.
Wow this really does resonate, thank you so much for sharing this!
so much thought-provoking writing in his post - thank you! and a special thanks for the Dylan Moran laugh out loud clip...🥰
Such a hilarious show, the whole thing! Glad someone appreciated it!
Ooooft these seemingly flippant comments can leave such a mark. Thank you for speaking about this and encouraging us all to think how we can do better with our language.
And thank you for sharing my piece on appetite too xx
Thank YOU for writing that piece on appetite. So timely! And just something I think we can all mull over and appreciate.
Thank you Emiko. This article is a mine of helpful reflections, scientific sources, hopes and kindness to our mistreated and unaccepted bodies.
Thank you for reading, Enrica.
Brilliantly written Emiko. Whenever I’ve had comments like that made to me, I’ve been quite sick or on medication that had terrible side effects, and never knew what to say apart from ‘yeah I’ve been sick’. In retrospect I hope that response might have in a small way made the other person question whether they should have asked that question or made that statement. It always felt like I was being congratulated for being unwell, which felt incredibly dismissive of my reality. I think those comments in the end say more about the person who says them than who they say them too, but normalising not commenting on peoples bodies should really be the norm. I hope our society gets there one day.
That is so true that it says more about the commentor! And I too believe that saying straight up "i've been sick" should hopefully give some perspective to those people saying those things too (or also the people hearing it, especially little people who pick things up so quickly!)
I love this discussion. I personally never know what to say to one of the most common comments that both Sophie and I get on social media: a version of 'how do you eat like that and stay so slim?' It's usually followed by something along the lines of 'I would blow up like a house'. The comments always feel so intrusive and at the same time passive agressively criticising how we eat. The same people never notice the joy we have in eating, or the cultural aspects of sharing a meal. They seem fixated on my body, which if frankly none of their business. I find it very difficult to respond in a constructive way
Ugh this comment! I could have written about this too (though now I get this a lot less haha). Yes, it's all these same problems, implying that if we happen to enjoy and eat without restricting ourselves, we will therefore "blow up" -- it is deeply rooted in diet culture. They don't consider that everyone has different DNA, bodies, metabolism, appetite, desire, let alone just that aspect you mention -- joy! I don't think they let themselves enjoy life, or are maybe afraid to see what might happen if they do. I have noticed recently a couple of guests making comments about the amount of food we offer - "I really shouldn't", "I'll need to detox after this", I can't, the carbs, the sweet Italian breakfasts, etc. Not that anyone is forced to eat but, well, this IS a food and wine workshop that you signed up for, it is a celebration of food and culture via food, we and everyone I take you to will be generous and you can eat however you feel you want to, but honestly this isn't the place to be worried about eating bread or pasta! I find myself having to coach people through the meals, saying, it's ok, you can leave it, no one is going to force you to clear your plate or judge you if you do! It's odd, I haven't had this before this year, do you come across it on your workshops?
It's funny, though. You are smiling and look beautiful and happy in both photos. I guess we are good at hiding what we don't want seen. For me, I eat more when I'm unhappy, so thinner is better in my life. And I have had that "Alice in Wonderland" syndrome as well. When I was a child I had repeated bouts of strep throat, and the high fevers often brought on that disorienting feeling. A tonsillectomy and antibiotics put an end to that. Interesting to know that it has a name.